She Says....

I wonder what my husband would say....

1. When watching television, custody of the remote controls belongs to:
a. the husband
b. the wife
c. whoever turned on the TV
d. whoever is stronger
e. whoever can find it underneath the cushions

2. Entertaining friends for dinner should be:
a. a catered affair
b. a sit-down meal lovingly prepared in your own kitchen
c. served buffet style
d. pot-luck
e. food brought home in boxes

3. A new car should be selected based on:
a. its purchase price
b. its performance, repair and insurance costs
c. what your business associates are driving
d. its color
e. the arrangement of the cup holders

4. The toilet seat should be:
a. down, with the lid closed
b. down, with the lid up
c. left up
d. left up or down, it doesn’t matter
e. up in his bathroom, down in her bathroom

5. The proper location for dirty clothes is:
a. the clothes hamper
b. the floor near the clothes hamper
c. the floor in the room where the hamper is located
d. on the furniture in the room where the hamper is located
e. near the bed so you can wear them again the next day

6. In the middle of summer, it’s best if:
a. the air conditioning is in full blast, at all times
b. the air conditioner is on, sometimes
c. no air conditioning, the electric fan will do
d. no air conditioning and no fan, a pamaypay will do
e. the windows are left open for the breeze to come in

7. Any home-cooked food is best if:
a. it is eaten immediately after it’s prepared
b. served with candlelight and soft music
c. it’s made the way mom made it
d. it has catsup on it
e. the fire department didn’t have to be called

8. The best way to travel on vacation is:
a. by plane
b. by train
c. by car
d. on foot hiking through the wilderness
e. separately, to different destinations

9. Trips to the mall should be made when:
a. there is a specific item that is needed
b. there is a big sale
c. it’s raining and there’s nothing else to do
d. you can’t find what you need at a tag sale
e. you have a new credit card

10. The volume on the stereo should be set:
a. low enough to allow normal conversation
b. loud enough to fully appreciate the quality of the recording
c. low enough so the neighbors don’t complain
d. loud enough to feel the vibrations
e. just low enough to avoid significant structural damage

11. Laundry should be done:
a. twice a week
b. weekly
c. every other week
d. monthly
e. when you run out of clean underwear

12. My idea of an exotic vacation destination is:
a. Hawaii
b. Thailand
c. Boracay
d. Tagaytay
e. Luneta Baywalk

13. Repainting the living room should be done by:
a. a licensed professional
b. the two of us working in harmony
c. the college kid down the street
d. whoever’s idea it was to repaint the room
e. the time your mother arrives to visit

14. When buying a new TV, it is important to consider:
a. the size of the room in which it’s located
b. what will fit in the entertainment center
c. your budget
d. how many people you’ll be inviting over for football games
e. whether you can fit it through the door

15. Before having children, you should be together for:
a. at least one year
b. at least two years
c. at least five years
d. at least nine months
e. one last quiet, romantic evening

16. Eating in bed is:
a. inappropriate under any circumstances
b. okay if you’re sick and can’t get up
c. acceptable if served on a proper bed tray
d. good to do while watching late night TV
e. an effective way to avoid having sex

17. The best videos to rent are:
a. the newest releases
b. classic films
c. romantic comedies
d. action dramas
e. found in stores with XXXX on the sign

18. When one of you feels he or she should lose weight, the other should:
a. insist that their partner is perfect just the way they are
b. be supportive
c. join in the weight-loss program
d. buy him or her a membership in a health club
e. move out until the diet is over

19. When the female is upset or angry, the male should:
a. be comforting
b. ask what the problem is
c. try to solve the problem
d. tell her to get over it
e. apologize. She’s already decided it’s his fault anyway

20. Household chores should be done by:
a. the wife
b. the husband
c. both of them working together
d. the maid -- if there is one, that's what you pay them for
e. the kids, that’s why you had them

21. When decorating your first home, the furnishings should be:
a. the latest style
b. an eclectic blend of antique and new
c. the best you can afford
d. purchased at tag sales
e. whatever you can swipe from your parents’ homes

22. You should attend a place of worship:
a. weekly
b. monthly
c. on major holidays
d. when your mother’s in town
e. when you find one that serves 1995 Domaine d’Auvenay Criots-Batard-Montrachet for communion

23. Taking out the garbage is the responsibility of:
a. the husband
b. the wife
c. whoever put the last item in
d. whoever is going out anyway
e. the household staff -- again, if there are maids

24. My idea of the ideal birthday party is:
a. a romantic dinner for two
b. cake and coffee with a few friends
c. a small gathering with family members
d. a surprise party with everyone I know
e. a celebration that would rival a Presidential inaugural

25. If we have an argument we should:
a. kiss and make up before we go to bed
b. sit down and discuss it like two rational people
c. go to separate rooms until we cool off
d. contact a marriage counselor
e. make sure all lethal weapons are out of reach

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My answers to this week's :)

Marrying The In-Laws

When I was still lingering in the w@w yahoogroup even if I've already married and should have moved on (what can I say, I still had wedding preps hangover!), I've seen some brides-to-be ranting about their in-laws, whether it was because of their meddling in the preparations or their personalities. The other brides-to-be would usually advise her to do what SHE wants because it's her wedding and it's their son she's marrying, not the family.

The truth of the matter is that no matter what you say about marrying the man and not his family, you can't separate one from the other. You can't separate him from the people who raised him into the person that you love. The same goes for him too. No matter how much you don't like each other's families, you do have to get used to the fact that after you get married, your family becomes his family and his family also becomes yours.

The problem regarding in-laws is that since they're basically a different family from the family of your origin, you get used to different values and different ways of doing things, hence the big adjustment. Think about this, getting married is already one big adjustment, what more if there are other extraneous factors and people to consider? But that's something you have to put into consideration already from the beginning.

Now, it's probably easier for me because my in-laws are decent people who respect my ideas even if I am not exactly an ideal daughter-in-law. They respect my opinions as much as I respect theirs. I guess, in the end, mutual respect, compromise and love are what you need in order to maintain a smooth relationship with each other.

Oh, and my husband and I already discussed this before we got married. When it comes to sticky situations regarding MY family, I will be the one to represent us. When it comes to HIS family, he will be the one to speak for both of us. That's because we know each other's family better and would know how best to deal with them. This should make for a more harmonious relationship and less friction between us and our families.
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This is my contribution to .

Money & Marriage

Ahhh, money. It's something that married couples have to deal with in the entire course of their marriage, and even before. Remember wedding planning? It's just the start of the compromising, budgeting, wanting and having, wanting and not having, letting go of what you can't afford, and saving up for what you really, really want.

It was so much easier when we were single. We earn our own money. We pay for things we need, we buy things we want. We save money in our own accounts. We are accountable only to ourselves.

But all that changes when we get married. By law, everything we own at the time of marriage becomes conjugal. Everything we earn during the course of marriage is shared property. Now we can't spend for something just because of impulse, especially if the purchase would involve a lot of money. We have to think of how that one single splurge will affect the whole family budget.

I am aware that families have different setups, and as such, we all have different ways to handle the family money. There's the pooling of both incomes (if both are working) and just have one in charge of managing the finances. There's the I-pay-for-these-bills/purchases-you pay-for-those setup. There's also the option wherein you both contribute to a common fund and keep the rest for yourself. I'm sure there are other options. It's really dependent on the couple. Whichever works the best for you is the right fit for your family. This frequently takes trial and error, unfortunately.

We already had a joint checking account before we got married where we put in the money that we were going to spend for our wedding, and just kept it going when we got married. This is where we get most of our spending money for bills, tuition fee, hospital expenses, rentals (for clinic space), insurance, car expenses, child care expenses, etc.

At the beginning, when we didn't have any children yet, we did not pool our money and just contributed to the common pot.

However, we realized that it gives rise to some conflicts, especially since we don't really earn that much and that regularly (that's the problem with being self-employed and professionals) and it's difficult to decide on who pays for what if the common pot is just not enough. And, we kinda tend to go overboard with our personal, discretionary purchases. So, we decided to pool our incomes, and just give ourselves a small weekly allowance for our own discretionary purchases or personal savings. The family expenses come from the pooled income. So far, this setup has worked for us. We've kept spending for wants at a minimum (and we have to save for those wants from our allowance, just like students) AND we pretty much know where our income goes since we keep a rough record of what we spend on as a couple. There's a lot of transparency and less of the finger-pointing and quarrels (although I can't really recall any) regarding money. I'd admit, though, that this takes a lot of trust. But then, since technically, a married couple is supposed to be sharing in every material thing, shouldn't trust be a part of marriage, to begin with?

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This is my contribution to . Interesting theme this week! Join us!

Leap of Faith

I'm always sad when I hear of marriages falling apart. I agree that it's inevitable in some circumstances, but I believe it's mainly because one or both parties have reneged on their vows to love each other.

A wedding is not just about the celebration itself. It's a commitment for life, and the most important decision one makes in his/her life. Imagine, you're actually choosing a next of kin who has the right to everything you are and everything you own. You'll be having children together and raising them in a new family (I know, you don't really need marriage to have children, but that's not my point). But most of all, it's a vow to love each other, support each other through good times and bad, and grow old together. That's why it's not a decision to make lightly. It is, literally, a leap of faith...and love. One that will affect both of you and your children for the rest of your lives.

I found this vow for a renewal of marriage and I believe that this is what marriage should be all about:

On our wedding day, I made a choice. It was the most important and significant choice of my life and I made it only after a great deal of consideration. On that day, I chose you to be my husband/wife. I thought then that such a decision, once made, as final and irrevocable. Now I know that the selection of a life partner is not a one-time decision but an on-going process. Many times in the years since then, I have chosen you again. Faced with changes and alternatives, I have become keenly aware that a marriage lasts only so long as both partners desire each other above all others. As our lives have been affected by the ebb and flow of other lives and events, there have been many times when I could have chosen to go in a different direction. I did not. The reason is simple: no other person has ever aroused in me the feelings of tenderness, joy and caring which you elicit. I elect to stay with you not because I feel obligated to meet your needs but because you continue to meet mine. I live with you not because a legal document says that I am your wife/husband but because, in my heart of hearts, I still want to be by your side more than I want to be anywhere else.

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My entry to . This week's topic is commitment. Do join us!

Falling Apart

Sometimes it's so disillusioning -- marriages falling apart, whether they're just a few HOURS old or thirty years old. You see them with high profile couples, but they are present even with ordinary people we meet everyday.

Why does it seem that long, happy and forever-type of marriages seem to be more of an exception than the rule? It's a pity when the husband and wife no longer feel that they could stay together, but sometimes there is really no other way. The more tragic thing is that the separation is usually painful for both parties. You have children to consider. And how about the separation of properties and fortune? Unfortunately, you need lawyers who specialize in family law, like the San Antonio Family-Law-Attorneys, who know more about such family cases.

While there is no way to get around the pain and the mess of a broken family, an amicable settlement would go a long way in lessening the hurt and devastation.

But, personally, I wish people would still take their wedding vows of "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till DEATH do us part" seriously. I do admit that sometimes it's no longer feasible, but marriage is something both the husband and the wife should work on everyday of their lives.

Why Men Secretly Love Being Married

Many people have the impression that in general, women love being married more than men do. There's a sense of men having being "caught" and women having "caught" her man. Or to put it in other words, men have to stop sowing their wild oats while women found their life's purpose when they get married. I do not agree however. I am glad I found that this man doesn't too, and lists the reasons why he loves being married. Check it out here.

Married?

A person very close to me once had a girlfriend who's US based. When they broke up, the girl kept harassing his family and friends, even so far as to tell everybody that they had already gotten married. She even specified where. A check on the California Marriage Records, though, does not show any record of such a marriage. The girl was lying! Good thing www.nationwidemarriagerecords.org is already available on the internet!

Longest Married Couple -- The "Game"

My brother really wanted a variation of the bouquet and garter throw in his wedding. I know for a fact that unlike Westerners who will definitely participate in such games and even jostle for the bouquet, Pinoys and Chinese are more unwilling to join this type of game. It's usually a dreaded part for singles. I know I'm one of those who tried not be noticed whenever this came up (before I got married, that is). My husband was even more extreme and took to hiding in the washroom whenever he anticipates that the "singles" games are next. That's why I did not do any "singles games" and just dedicated my bouquet to my mother, my mother-in-law and my grandmother.

That is why I suggested the "Longest Married Couple" game. I hoped that this will be more acceptable to a more conservative set of guests like we are bound to have. It's pretty simple and painless, actually, all married people stand up, they then get eliminated by number of years of marriage. For example, those who are married for less than a year are first asked to sit down. Then those who are married for 1 year. Then 5 years. This goes on until there is one couple left standing. I've seen this in other weddings and people are generally more "game" in this type of setup. My brother thought that it is a good idea too.

Surprise, surprise! Nobody wants to stand up when the married people are called! Arrgh! I did stand up, but hey, I know I would get eliminated soon because I am not married so long as to called the longest married couple. It was quite painless actually. Unless the married couples are not happy and proud that they are -- in that case, maybe a visit to the Marriage Family Counselor may be in order. The hosts had to resort to calling some of the more senior married couples. The "longest married couple" were together for 31 years. I'm sure there are probably others who are married longer but just didn't want to stand. Anyway, they did give their advise and their secrets for their long marriage. :)

My advice:
Marriage is a big, big change in both your lives. You have to love and trust your partner. That's because you now have to share everything. Everything you own is now communal property. You will have children. You must learn to think like a couple. You can no longer make major decisions without first consulting your mate. That goes for both of you.

That is why it is very important for you to have constant communication. About everything. And never think of giving up your marriage for any trivial matter. It must be foremost in your mind that "To Save my Marriage is important". Don't let small things destroy something beautiful.

Do not expect perfection. Nobody is perfect -- not you, not your mate. Accept that the things that you do not like about your mate is a part of his/her whole personality. There will be quarrels once in a while. There will be times when you feel that you have made the wrong decision, just because you are feeling down or angry. Don't let those things get to you. Remember why you got married in the first place, why you chose this particular person. As mentioned above, communicate. And if communication fails, don't share your problems with your family of origin. They will naturally side with you. Go to a Marriage Retreat or pray for guidance.

Have fun! Go on dates, enjoy movies together. Don't forget that married couples can still have fun with each other!

I congratulate you and I wish you happiness in your married life!

Marriage in Trouble?

One of the best decisions I've made in my life is to get married to my husband. I am much happier now that I'm married to a great man and that I am a mother. We've had some rough patches, but we've compromised on a lot of them. These trials have only made our marriage stronger.

I feel sad, therefore, whenever I hear of failing marriages or a seemingly great couple deciding to split up because of various issues. Unless there is violence involved, I believe the couple should still try marriage counseling to save their marriage.

Another thing the couple has to consider is the impact of their breakup on their children. Children are always the innocent victims of dad and mom’s problems. While it's true that sometimes the relationship is so toxic that it's better for couples to split, that is often not the case. A lot of issues are based on misunderstandings and lack of communication. A third party who’s an expert in such situations may help them come to terms and compromise in some issues besetting them.

A lot of couples on the verge of breakup, however, are reluctant to do formal save marriage counseling, since they believe that it's tantamount to exposing their problems and shortcomings in their marriage to another person. If that is the case, then they should at least try online marriage counseling. A marriage is too precious to just let go. It's even more difficult for children. So do think twice before throwing in the towel.

Why we still live with our parents

In my mailing list, there are some discussions about living with parents and/or in-laws after getting married. There were various points being brought forth. A lot took the stand that the couple should have a separate household after getting married. We decided to live with our mothers (mine on weekdays, his on weekends) with all the attendant drawbacks of that decision because of the following:

• We are saving up to buy our own house someday. Living rent-free would make the process easier and faster.
  
• We have built in babysitters for our son whenever we need to both be out. For that matter, I could work without worrying about leaving my son because the grandmothers are very good in taking care of him.
• My son brings a lot of joy to his grandmothers. They love to see him all the time.
  
• We don't have to worry about the weekly visit to grandmothers and the tug of war about where to bring him this weekend.
• I don't NEED to be a stay at home mom. I love my work. Although my son is my priority, I'd rather work than stay at home. I'm bad with household chores.
• An additional bonus is that my mother's place is just a mere 10-20 minutes away from both our clinics. We can't find another place that we can afford in the immediate vicinity. This proximity saves fuel.
• We share in expenses. Further savings for us.
• Our income is erratic at this point. That's the problem with being self employed AND a doctor in the Philippines. It's pretty hard to predict whether we can maintain a monthly rental or amortization at the present time. In short, we can't afford it.
  

These are the things that come into mind. Of course, we sometimes long for the independence of having our own place, making our own decisions...but we're willing to forego these in the meantime. But eventually, we'll be getting our place. This arrangement won't be forever.

Wedding thoughts

I love weddings. They are so full of promise, of love and of hope. Attending a wedding is witnessing the beginning of a new family.

I will always hold dear the memory of my wedding 3 years ago. I know that whatever happens, I always remember the moments of that day when I finally marry the man I love.

Best wedding gift? All gifts were appreciated, but the cash gifts truly helped. The rest are still in storage even after 3 years. That's what I give nowadays, coz I know that's what the couple really wants and needs but are to shy to say so.

Why the sudden sentimentality? My brother is getting married soon!

My advise? Create a memory that would make you smile when you remember the happiness and love you felt that day. :)

What would YOU advise? Check out how mylotters answered that question.