If you want to be a SAHM....

In my experience in the clinic, I've come across a lot of moms who are stay at home moms/wives without any visible means of income. While I salute these moms and try to tell them that they shouldn't say that they're "housewife lang po" (only housewives), I couldn't help but notice that they are financially dependent on somebody. Most of the time, it's the husband, other times, it's the children. It's really difficult to be dependent on other people, because what if....?

I believe that being a stay at home mom is very good, but you should have a fall back in case something happens to the breadwinner of the family. I mean, how many times have you heard about a man leaving his family for another girl? Or if the man is decent and good, you can't expect him to live forever. I've heard of a young SAHM who's husband suddenly passed away due to a vehicular accident, leaving their brood of eight! How is she going to support them all?

Thus I believe that women who want to be SAHMs should, as much as possible, have the following:

• Life insurance on the life of the husband. Just in case the undesired inevitable (death) happens.
• Educational plans for the kids to be shouldered by the husband, since he will be the only breadwinner. The thing I like best about the educational plan is the portion which states that if the one paying for it passes away, the plan is considered fully paid. At least they have some money to spend for their education.
  
• Contributions to SSS as a voluntary member. So that you can apply for maternity benefits, sickness benefits, and you will get a small pension when you are of retireable age.
• An alternative income source. There are now lots of work opportunities that can be done from home or on a part time basis.
  
• Your own money. I think you should still have a small portion from the family pot for you to save or spend on whatever you want. For me, I'd rather invest any extra money I have.

I think these are the minimum. Of course, this is just my 2 cents.

As for me, I love the setup that I have right now. I get to have the best of both worlds.

Work vs Stay at Home

There's an ongoing discussion in my mailing list with questions directed to the Stay at home moms. Questions like what made you decide to be a SAHM?

The discussion elicited quite a lot of passionate responses from the SAHMs about why they chose to be SAHMs and what adjustments they had to make.

Although being a stay at home mom with dad being the only breadwinner is the traditional way to go, the reality is that some women are not comfortable with the traditional role. Like me.

My husband and I have a different arrangement which allows us a little bit of both worlds -- working and staying at home. It helps that we are both doctors, with the same specialty (ophthalmology) and in private practice. This means that our schedule is pretty flexible compared to the average Joe and Jane.

The long and short of it is that one of us always stays with our son. We only work part of the day, and on certain days, our work hours are different. Meaning if I go to work in the morning he stays at home. Then I come home for lunch and stay...he then goes to work in the afternoon. We also have days wherein we bring our son with us to the clinic, when we both have to be there.

In our modern society, there is really a lot of variation on the family, work wise. There are also families who mom goes to work and dad stays at home. Or families who only have a single parent who needs to work. There is also the phenomenon of the absentee parent, wherein one of the parents is always not there, because of either work in a foreign land or some other reason.

I think that the decision on who's working and who's taking care of the kids should be a decision reached by both the husband and the wife. It should not be just because that is what one party wants, or just because it's tradition, or because of what others say. We all have our unique situations and we are the best persons to judge on what works well for us.

Work Life Balance

In every working mom's life, there is a yearning to achieve the so-called work life balance. I never really thought that there would be a point wherein I have to face the dilemma all working moms face -- that is to choose work, home or a fine balance in between.

There is always the different categories of moms, according to the career they choose after they've had their kids. The 2 extremes are the working mom, and the SAHM (stay at home mother).

Before, I have always thought that I would be a working mom like my mother, getting away at the beginning of the day, leaving the children under the care of a nanny or a loving grandmother, go home at the end of the day, check on the kids, and that's it. Maybe spend more time with the kids on weekends.

Until I became a mom, I never knew how much guilt a mom could feel when she had to leave her child into the care of another person. How much a mom would justify her choice of working by saying that they all need the earning for the child's food, clothing, shelter and education. But there it is....the guilt and also the regret that they are going to miss out on a lot of their kids' developmental milestones.

Stay at home moms have less of the guilt to deal with since they are with their child almost 24/7. But stay at home moms have to deal with being financially dependent on their spouse's income, since she doesn't get paid. Also, stay at home moms, in most instances, would have to give up the many years of training she did for whatever career she fancies herself to be in. But whether or not they admit it, being with her beloved child 24/7 and witnessing everything that develops in the said child also has another downside. The feeling of being tied down to the child and the feeling that she's somehow not productive. Thus, when asked about occupation, the SAHM would self consciously say "I am JUST a housewife." (In Tagalog, "Housewife lang po" or "Wala po akong trabaho, sa bahay lang po.")Also, there is always the fear of who to turn to for "bringing home the bacon" if the man of the house suddenly cannot work, or worse, dies unexpectedly.

Now, there are moms that are neither fully working nor fully stay at home. There is the part timer, there is the work at home mom. All of these try to more or less strike a balance between work and home.

But whatever moms (and dads) decide, one thing is clear. Good mothers come in all categories. They may stay at home, they may go out and work, they may do part time work or work from home....but for every choice there is always a drawback...and an advantage. Mothers try to strike a balance because they are aware that their children need them, both at home and to earn for their needs.